Why did Father Nelson bring a ladder to church?

Because he heard the sermon was on a whole new level! 😄🙏

😄 Father Nelson Jokes (Clean, Funny & Churchy)

1. The Confession Confusion

A man goes into confession and says, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”
Father Nelson replies, “At this point, I should be earning frequent flyer miles for how often I hear that!”

The man says, “It’s been two weeks since my last confession.”
Father Nelson: “Oh! Then welcome back, VIP member!”

2. Church Wi-Fi

One Sunday, Father Nelson announced:
“We’ve installed free Wi-Fi in the church… but please don’t try to stream Netflix during the sermon. Heaven has better reviews!”

3. The Sermon Snoozer

A kid fell asleep during Mass. His mom nudged him awake.
Father Nelson laughed and said, “Don’t worry — even the apostles dozed off on me once in a while!”

4. The Marriage Vows

At a wedding, Father Nelson asked the groom, “Do you take her to be your lawfully wedded wife?”
The groom said, “I do.”
Father Nelson said, “Good. That’s the last ‘yes’ you’ll say without checking first.”

5. The Offering Plate

Father Nelson noticed a $20 bill in the offering plate next to a note that said “Return on investment?”
He smiled and said, “God accepts donations, but unfortunately we don’t offer cashback.”

6. Coffee & Jesus

After Mass, someone asked, “Father, what keeps you going all Sunday morning?”
He replied, “The Holy Spirit… and a double espresso.”

7. Church Signs

Father Nelson once put this on the church board:
“God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.”

8. The Choir Audition

Father Nelson overheard someone singing terribly in the pews.
He leaned over and whispered, “I think the Lord gave you the gift of listening.”

9. The Pet Blessing

At the annual pet blessing, Father Nelson said, “If these pets are going to heaven, I better stop telling dogs they’re going to hell for chewing my slippers.”

10. Bible Study Snacks

“This week at Bible study,” said Father Nelson, “we’re covering the Book of Numbers. Bring your calculators… and cookies. Mostly cookies.”

🤵 Father Nelson on Weddings

“Marriage is when two become one… mostly her Wi-Fi password and his Netflix account.”

“I asked the groom if he was ready. He said, ‘As ready as my fantasy football lineup.’ I gave him holy water — and a therapist’s number.”

“At weddings, I tell the couple: love is patient, love is kind, and love doesn’t check each other’s browser history.”

🎤 Father Nelson’s Confession Stand-Up

“People confess like I’m Google — ‘Forgive me, Father, I clicked something I shouldn’t have.’”

“One guy said, ‘I lied to my wife.’ I said, ‘Get in line, son. That’s aisle 3, next to the guys who bought crypto without telling her.'”

“Teenagers in confession just whisper, ‘TikTok.’ I just nod. I get it. We’re all sinners.”

📱 Modern Church Life

“We now accept donations via app. God accepts Apple Pay — but he prefers acts of kindness.”

“Someone tried to scan a QR code in the Bible. I said, ‘That’s a cross, son. Not a checkout.'”

“We installed Wi-Fi in the church. But if you’re watching cat videos during my homily, expect divine buffering.”

🐶 Father Nelson & Blessing Animals

“Last year, I baptized a dog named Rufus. He barked at Satan and peed on the holy bush.”

“One kid brought a turtle and said, ‘Bless him so he runs faster.’ I told him, ‘We do miracles, not Mario Kart upgrades.'”

😇 Heavenly Humor

“Everyone wants to go to heaven, but no one wants to sit through announcements.”

“I once told a guy, ‘The road to heaven is narrow.’ He said, ‘So’s my driveway — my in-laws still found it.'”

🛒 Father Nelson at the Grocery Store

“I caught someone from church at the liquor aisle. He said, ‘It’s for communion, Father.’ I said, ‘Then why is it tequila?’”

“A little kid saw me in public and screamed, ‘That’s the Jesus guy!’ Close, kid. Jesus is the boss. I just work weekends.”